Planes, Brains, and Automobiles by Laura Stamps

 

 

Planes, Brains, and Automobiles

 

People drive too fast these days. Have you noticed? I have. What’s the hurry? That’s what I’d like to know. Maybe there’s a sale on potato chips at Target, and they’re rushing to get there. I’d hurry for that. I love potato chips. Have I mentioned that before? It’s true. I consider the potato chip one of civilization’s greatest inventions. Seriously. I can live on potato chips all day long if I have to. And that’s exactly what I do when I fly. I’m vegan. And let’s face it. Airports are not beacons of vegan cuisine. There’s nothing in most airports for vegans. Just bags of chips to munch on from plane to plane, airport to airport. I love airports. Have I mentioned that before? It’s true. I think working in an airport would be the perfect job. Beats what I do now as a customer service representative at a cable company. Not that it’s a bad job. It’s not. Most days I enjoy it. It’s just that they monitor our calls. Which means every week I get to hear my boss say, “Courtney, we need to talk about your lack of compassion and empathy for our customers.” I never understand that. I like people. I do. Especially those who don’t misplace their brains. Unlike the man who called the other day to complain that our cable had killed his DVD player. Then he realized he’d forgotten to turn it on. What am I supposed to do with that? What? Tell me. Like I said, I love airports. It’s true. I should get a job in an airport. I could work at one of those little airport shops. Sit at a register all day surrounded by snacks and paperback books. What a dream job! Then I’d never have to deal with cable customers who misplace their brains. Think about it. How many brain cells does it take to buy gummy bears? None. I mean, really. Just grab your snack, pay me, and go. Boom. A dream job. Totally. 

 

 

 

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Laura Stamps is the author of several novels, short story collections, and poetry books. Latest novella: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE RIDE: CAT MANIA (Alien Buddha Press). Winner of the Muses Prize. Recipient of a Pulitzer Prize nomination and 7 Pushcart Prize nominations. Mom of 5 cats. Twitter: @LauraStamps16.